31st Birthday Resolution

After much consideration for the past few months, my 31st Birthday Resolution presented itself to me in July.

For the 31st year of my life, I am GOING FULL WITCH. 

What does this mean, you might ask?  Let me explain.

Three Fates, painting by Emily Balivet

Three Fates, painting by Emily Balivet

GOING FULL WITCH

This doesn’t mean Halloween witch, or Wiccan witch, or Goth witch (although I fully embrace deep, dark lipstick on a regular basis).  I love those things but this is something…different.

This is me being totally open to exploring all the earthy, natural, divine, strange, left-handed, taboo, mushy, divine aspects of womanhood.   Another way to name this would be “Exploring the Divine Feminine,” or “Going Full Goddess,” but witch sounds better.  It reminds me of the many ways that women have been persecuted and disempowered throughout history for daring to practice natural medicine, midwifery, and spirituality based on the sacred feminine.

“Witch” also lends that wild and weird quality that is, semantically at least, empowering me to get a little freaky without reservation and without worrying about being judged.  I’m buying crystals, guys.  I’m chanting, burning incense, signing up for Full Moon Goddess teleconferences, reading all kinds of cards, communing with my spirit guides, setting intentions.  I am absolutely wearing dark lipstick, and I might wear a giant flower crown out in public for no reason at all! (What?!  That’s crazy!)

The point is, I’ve been doing these things for a little while and I keep adding practices and researching different ways of being, and I’m just going for it.  I’m allowing myself to do whatever is interesting in the name of sacred womanhood.  There’s not a religious sect I align with (although I am a yogi and leaning towards the tantric and bhakti paths).  I’m not following any gurus.  I’m going to do what I want, learn, and teach.  If you’re interested in what I’m doing, follow along.  I’ll share anything that I stumble on, fascinating and probably also mundane.

Blessed be, y’all.

 

 

On Faith and the Blahs

Ask and you shall receive.

Jump, and the net will appear.

But how does one know what to ask for?  How do we know which way to jump?

Jump Off Cliff by Flickr user Steven | Alan

Photo by Flickr user Steven | Alan

Lately I feel like I’m being drawn down a really positive, dynamic path, moving in the direction of my dreams, but also it’s SLOW.  There are roadblocks.  There is unhappiness.  I am not a patient person.

This makes me moody.  I’m often grouchy during the day, when my energy is expended on activities that don’t fulfill me, in a space that drains me.  I want to focus on positive messaging: mantras, “thinking the opposite,” finding something nice to say about everyone.  I try to stay busy so I don’t fall into a hole of discontent.  This week I find myself with little work to do, feeling tired and grumpy, hot and unhappy.  I’m bummed.  I have major unexpected expenses but no increase in income. I have groceries but no time to cook.  I have homework but no time to read.  I have rituals of self-care but no energy to perform them.

I want answers.  I want to know with absolute certainty that another  opportunity is on its way, that the money to fix my car will fall into my lap, that my insurance will cancel my waiting period so I can get medically necessary dental care!  I want to know that through my pursuit of yoga, my creative explorations, the numberless incredible and uplifting conversations I have with friends and fellow yogis, that by actively pursuing a fulfilling and spiritual life my day-to-day will improve.  Sometimes I know what to do.  This week, I do not.

Yesterday when I started this post, I was feeling really distressed by the way my mood has changed regarding the situation I’m in.  The week before last I was strongly moved by a righteous anger, the slap-in-the-face realization that something must change IMMEDIATELY.  I got through that with positivity, a sense of gratefulness and hope and faith that as I create space for change, it has to happen.  Last week, I carried that feeling over to a sense of general well-being, taking good care of myself, with enough work to do that I could stay busy.

But this week, I am BUMMED.  I can’t get in touch with my guides.  I have a major case of the blahs and possibly a head-cold or a touch of the chronic respiratory symptoms I’ve developed since starting this job.  I’ve had very low energy.  I can’t seem to focus on anything, including affirmations, guidance, mantra.  I don’t know what to do.  All I can think is, I don’t know what to do.  And yet…

As I write this I am thinking about faith.  Can faith be enough?  Can the belief that all I have to do is keep walking and the road will rise up to meet me, be enough?  Even when I don’t know exactly where I’m headed?  Is it enough to have faith that I’m choosing the right path, or that the right path has chosen me, or that I’m being led down the best path regardless of whether I falter?  I hope so.

I wanted this post to be about requesting clarification when seeking guidance.  I have so many things to talk about that it’s difficult to choose a topic.  I’m new here.  I’ve decided it’s best to just sit down and write, and let the words shape themselves into a post.  I trust that they will find a path and flow from beginning to end on the best possible course to completion.

Can I believe that of myself?  Can that be enough?

the blahs

the blahs

Private Hikes

I’ve been thinking a lot about energy balance lately.  It’s definitely the focus of my life right now, and I’m making it my Birthday Resolution for 2015.  The thing that has really brought this up for me is being in a situation I find really draining, but that I can’t leave right now.  I started searching for ways to feel better when I’m not in the thick of it, which happens to make me feel better when I am.

I have been walking to and from work, which gives me time to let my body get used to the idea of being there, and to unwind a bit on the way home, so that when I get here I can make choices that will make me feel good.  I have been selecting my Most Important Things, which helps me to focus on what is, well, the most important thing each day. I try to choose 3 and they may include chores, always include my sadhana, and something else that is pleasant.  I have to recharge with positive, affirming, joyful activities.  Sometimes that does mean I lie in bed and watch Supernatural!  Sometimes it means going on a konmari binge and getting rid of things that no longer serve me, keeping only things that spark joy.  Sometimes it means snuggling Devo, or going swimming, writing a letter, or painting!  Last weekend, I took myself on a solo hike to the top of a (small) mountain, where I sat and meditated/soaked up the sun, listened to nature, enjoyed the breeze and tuned in to my inner voice.   I got some Vitamin D and some insights into life and happiness…but that’s a tale for another time.

I suppose this is what is meant by self-care.  I have spent a lot of time trying to determine what that means to me, and this is helping me to get there.  Instead of focusing on the negative or draining things in my life, I concentrate on the things that bring me joy and make me feel energized.  For the past week, I’ve been doing these things in the evening or even throughout the day, but I would like to have more time in the morning to start my day off with an important thing, or even setting the things for the the day.  Right now, I set those things the night before, or when I get to work, or as I’m brushing my teeth, but I’d like to be more intentional about it.  Other than my sadhana (my practice, which involves at least 7 minutes of vinyasa yoga, 7 minutes of study and 7 minutes of another practice, which for me generally means meditation or doing a Tarot reading), my most important things are choices.  In the midst of a truly exhausting and unhappy situation that takes up half my waking hours, I am choosing toward love, light and life.  I am choosing to stay as positive as possible.  That requires a lot of energy, but this kind of energy is regenerative.  If like breeds like, I want my efforts at joy and harmony to create joy and harmony.

In the meantime, I definitely need more nature walks in my life.

Do you have any daily practices that help you recharge?